I'll probably change it later...

tired of assuaging egos. cuz I need mine assuaged. maybe not assuaged. paid attention to mayhap. but I don’t want to call attention to myself. cuz I’m stupid.

probably not stupid. but some form of repressive stupid.

the most exciting part of my day was hydroplaning. and that was near death. maybe I’m a thrill seeker. maybe if I do more dangerous activities it’ll push my endorphins into high gear. and I mean dangerous, not stupid. I’m not jumping off a house with an umbrella to see if I can Mary Poppins my ass down all gentle and shit.

horse back riding isn’t dangerous. but it’s exciting. hang gliding is dangerous. but not available in my town. poor is a problem. I am poor. I am a problem. but my problem usually only affects me. usually.

brain still hurts. I have to clarify because when I say brain, I mean brain. used to say head. everyone kept giving me advil. advil doesn’t do anything. so I say brain. because I mean brain.

I think too much. too hard. too long.

people don’t take kindly to being told they’re stupid. but mostly, they are. fairly stupid. stupid but not hopeless. just in their present state. I’m stupid too. not as often as others. not as often as most. but it happens.

I abhor ignorance. ignorance is not bliss. but I doubt the ignorant have brain aches like I do. so who’s losing really? to follow blindly with nothing but hope and faith. seems fulfilling. but I can’t. follow blindly.

I ask too many questions.

and now my brain aches. more specifically the right frontal lobe. wonder if my arms is hurting as a result of this. maybe.

there is no man of my dreams. though there are men in my dreams. they exist in two separate dream worlds. but both worlds are controlled by me. the lustful me.

there’s biting, scratching, pushing, pulling, yearning, throbbing, sighing, moaning! oh god yes, moaning!

but. they’re in my head. one I’ve met, one I’ve yet. to meet.

same professional goals, different paths. but still in my dreams. the form of one and the mind of another meld them into one person. not perfect but as close as I dare believe to be true. but neither knows. not for sure. not from my mouth.

blissfully unaware of the things I do to them in my head. whether alone or amongst a crowd.

the crowd excites me more. nothing too grandiose. not even a crowd really. but it’s more than just the two of us. if that’s not enough to make you wet, I don’t know what is.

I want to talk. I have so much to say and no one will listen. but I want to talk. and I need you to listen.

I need you to. do you understand? here my words, absorb them, let them breath newness into your soul. let them thrive. then respond. and I will do the same.

constant dialogue. like ping pong. a gentle back and forth, sweet volley punctuated on occasion by the sharp ‘thwack!’. game point. but it’s not over. no one won. not yet. no one lost. there are no losers.

but no one. which is untrue. there are a few. but they are few and far between. some can but won’t. too busy. some can but wont. don’t care. most won’t from fear. their fear keeps them back and keeps me here. waiting.

always feeling like I’m unloved, ignored, a burden. you’d think at 22 I’d be over this or moving forward.

but this could just be the birth control leaving my system. maybe I’ll go back to normal.

but normal sucked ass. maybe I’ll be better. I hope I’ll be better. these headaches. constant headaches. why?

hm. all that and only one tear to show for it.

we broke up. it’s not that I’m lonely. I’m just afraid. it’s hard to find someone who doesn’t look at you with confusion. bewilderment. or plain misunderstanding.

getting called crazy isn’t a compliment. it’s a barrier. it probably isn’t meant to ostracize me but here I am, on the outskirts. always looking in. always.

even if I am invited in, it’s just…wrong? uncomfortable? stifling? I’m always guessing, second guessing, triple guessing, giving up. trying again. waiting for a reaction. positive or negative. neutral is useless. maybe not but I’ve found no use for it.

I’m not lonely. not because he broke up with me. I’m just lonely. and he broke up with me.

As the tears roll down my face I wonder

“What is it this time?”

Heading home. Sadness sets in. Sadness for a life I don’t want in a place I don’t love. I suppose you could say “look on the bright side! At least you don’t have kids or any real commitments holding you back!”

This is true.

Also true is I have no car and no means of escape for at least 2 months.

Money. I need money to rectify the small sins of my past. But I don’t have money.

So instead of doing things for free, I’m gonna sell my soul. Not my body, just my soul. Putting my natural talent to good use. And selling it.

But will it sell?

Probably not. But it’s worth a shot.

I make several attempts to act much cooler than i am.

usually i fail miserably.

every now and again i win.

today i think i won.

i suppose it only partially counts because it was only with family. But it still kinda counts because i still don’t trust myself with others, family included. i don’t trust anyone to tell me the truth about anything.

I don’t trust and I isolate. but i want to be accepted and trusted. hmm…